OMG Feel My Realtor Hate! (warning - IRL Is Here)

[Darth Bootay]

I've come down with a wicked cold. It's that vicious sore throat with wussy cough and major fullbody ache thing that's running wild in Northern Virginia, Maryland and DC recently. Compound that joy with having to be up at 9am after lying awake all night listening to Cam's bandsaw snoring, then going to do the walkthrough of the condo he was rushed into signing and meeting his realtor, Shep, for the very first time.

To say I dislike this man is like saying that a woman is just a little pregnant at 9 months with twins. I don't tend to like realtors to start with, as they seem to unilaterally take one look at me and break out the condescending bullshit. But this one earned my fervent and longstanding animosity by taking this striding bounds beyond the usual realtor stupidity.

I was trying very hard to be cheerful and friendly, which is NOT my strong suit before noon on a perfectly healthy, rested day. But I was doing remarkably well. I just didn't talk much because every time I try to talk, my throat hurts worse and my voice is a hoarse croak. Bear this in mind.

We entered the condo at approximately 9:45am. I wasn't registering much at first. The place was still just a random collection of brown and beige blobs because until I'm fully awake, that's pretty much all I see. It's like being half-blind without glasses. The official inspector was very pleasant and cheerful, which set a positive first impression despite my state of general semi-awake misery.

I liked what he was saying, even those points which indicated that some repairs and maintenance would need to be done once we assumed ownership of the condo. He was just that kind of a guy and the downpoints weren't really all that major, even if they were already becoming rather numerous.

Cam dragged me through the place, with Shep in tow like some kind of vulture, watching me with this palpabale and obvious sense of quickly growing anxiety. There wasn't much of it and with the exception of the two small cavelike bedrooms, it was all very bright and extremely beige. I guess I wasn't making the hoped-for noises of excitement that most females around these parts make when confronted with impending property-ownership status. I settled in the living room after a few moments, waking up and finally SEEING the place. It was...
uhmm... how does one properly describe a layout so impractical and poorly thought out that it stretches even the uber-gay-interior-design genious of Christopher Lowell to come up with a way to make it functional and habitable? It sucked.

I tried mentally changing the color scheme and carpeting, both of which were in such poor taste and condition that I doubted they could be endured for even a week (the walls were shit brown in the livingroom-diningroom area, beige in the two TINY bathrooms and babyshit blonde in the two tiny bedrooms, further reinforcing the sense that the place was too small for an adult to live in -- well maybe a bachelor with no GF who spent all his time out at sports bars and stuff...).

Neither bedroom was as large as our current computer room, which is a great deal smaller than our master bedroom. Both bathrooms were smaller than the one we currently have (and our current bathroom is cramped enough that I injure my shoulder trying to clean behind the toilet). The walkin master bedroom closet was so narrow one would have to be an anorexic child to walk in and choose clothing. The "dining room" was an awkward 5' deep indentation on the living room, which was literally half the size of the current living room we now have (10' x 20') -- making neither space properly useble as comfortable living space as the two spaces overlapped into some halfhearted token effort at the typical L shaped copout most condos and apartments take but more like taking two small rectangles and overlapping them, then claiming that one was 10' x 10' and the other was 10' x 12', measuring the shared overlap space twice in that equation and ignoring the eventuality of putting a table and sofa into the resulting area wouldn't exactly work unless both were child-sized. The washroom was smaller than my current hall closet -- which I must say is just slightly smaller than the condo's second bedroom. The gas fireplace was built into the corner of one of the only two "usable" walls (read furnature and electronic systems placement) making the livingroom-diningroom space even less decorable. But it gets worse -- MUCH worse. The entire outdoors-facing side of the condo from kitchen to livingroom was windows and sliding glass doors, removing any further bright ideas for furnature placement.

I stared for a long while at the pathetic attempt the current owner made at space usage and realized with utter horror that her horriffic placements were the only way to get her furnature in the condo while still allowing a person to be able to move around in it without stumbling over anything. And there was very little furnature, all very small and uncomfortable. I mentally tried to place any of our furnature and realized with a sense of impending nausea that we'd have to ditch everything we had except for our bed, downgrade to a smaller TV, lose our sound system, and completely do away with our entire library. Two computer setups wouldn't fit in the second bedroom and there would be no place to store our clothing and shoes, as the master bedroom would fit our bed and that's about it. I wasn't saying or doing anything but looking and trying over and over to see a way to salvage any of our furnature, doublechecking by getting up and pacing off an area then coming back and thinking some more.

Cam broke in on this mental inventory with a "...you don't like it, do you...?"

I stared at him dumbly for a minute then looked down and mumbled "I don't know how, but I'll figure something out." It was the best I could do. I figured that somehow, some way, with a great deal of cleverness and a lot of work I might be able to engineer something habitable out of that... that... brown dollhouse.

"You hate it."

"I'll think of something. I know I can think of something."

"You hate it. I can tell."

I had to nod. "I'll think of something. But we're going to have to ditch almost everything we have. This is more than I can fix with a few cans of paint and a bunch of fabric. Still trying to figure out how to get both computers in here somewhere..."

At which point Shep materializes out of nowhere (he'd vanished for a minute to use his phone) with a condescending smirk and asks "Anything wrong?"

I tried to be nice. It wasn't his fault the place was so horrible. He was just trying to get it sold.

"Ummm... it's...so....small. Trying to figure out how we're going to put any of our furnature in here...."

His nose rose a few inches, his mouth turned down at the corners and he HUFFED at me. "Too small? It's SPACIOUS and ROOMY!" His entire demeanor changed from anxious house-huckster to offended, uber-condescending adult-faced-with-unruly-child. Like he thought he could intimidate the sick, miserable little freak chick into agreeing with him. One of my more practical talents is spacial relationships and I can eyeball a room and not only tell you how much of your crap is going to fit into it, but tell you exactly how and where, and describe what the filled room will look like. I can do it within an inch or so most days.

We live in a 1040 sq ft apartment and I placed every single item personally and I can tell you that the 4 bookcases that contain most of our library reqire just over 12 feet of unbroken wallspace (which this condo did not have anywhere inside it) and protrude approximately one foot from the wall. I know our TV is as wide as my stretched arms, which the space clearly designed to hold the TV in this condo did not accomodate. Nothing we owned was going to fit comfortably and most of it wasn't going to fit at all. I found it incredibly unlikely that the condo was actually the 1037 sq ft it was listed as encompassing, even given the poor plavement of the fireplace, the larger kitchen and the additional bathroom.

I choked on an urge to tell him to bite me. I explained in very small words that we had the four bookcases full of library that were not going to fit by any stretch of the imagination into the TINY living room space because of the layout of the condo and extremely extravagant waste of limited space on a corner gas fireplace and excessive window placement. I did it politely and quietly, with a last fading hope that the guy would be reasonable and decide he wanted a good reference.

He ignored all of it and went on about how if this spacious condo was too small and we ABSOLUTELY felt we couldn't live there, he could possibly get us out of the contract since it was so early in the game (bear in mind that at that stage of the game, contracts to buy are broken often and easily, as in this area, there's always a desperate sucker who will buy even the worst dump). He then stopped the inspector and began putting a huge amount of pressure on Cam, who was looking around the place in a new light, SEEING it really and truely for the first time rather than being rushed through it too fast to register area, space and condition -- and not liking what he was seeing. He had that trapped animal look and was taking everything this Shep guy was feeding him with the air you normally see on some kid that just got spanked.

I was past uncomfortable by that point and verging on feeling faint from a combination of lack of sleep, being sick and being really and truely angry. I wasn't hearing what Shep was saying anymore because at this point I was too tired, sick and angry to hear "blah blah blah" and the rushing in my ears.

"If that dining area is 10' x 10', I'll eat my coat. I don't think either bedroom is that size, and it's half that."

I say things when I'm angry. They just come out. This jackass didn't have the sense to start being conciliatory. What he did was say "Oh...?" like he would have enjoyed seeing me have to attempt that and reach for his laptop to pull up the dimensions -- which he never found -- or did and decided he wasn't going to come back and reveal the truth because it was very likely that I was 100% right. Instead, he hurumphed and turned the subject and went back to bullying Cam with some BS about having to raise his price limit beyond the 300K high water mark AND his location commute beyond 30 minutes. And he wanted to do it "right now". Knowing I was sick and not pleased with him (and everyone knows that when I'm not pleased with them, I don't have to say a word to convey my displeasure). He ran a search on condos only remarking that "well 1300 square feet will suit you better since you need so much space" and then after coming up with some much more expensive prospects said that he'd show them to us BOTH, stressing the both in what I found to be an antagonistic manner, tomorrow. I'm pretty sure my fingers were twitching with the urge to cram his laptop into a very uncomfortable place.

Cam was on the verge of tears. He was white, shaky and his eyes were getting red and shiny. He mumbled something about doing it this weekend, since he was spending too many work hours on this. The man jumped on him like a mean elementary school teacher, using a very sharp tone and admonishing Cam as if he were some bad kid telling him that these places wouldn't be there this weekend and if he really wanted to buy a place to live he'd better be prepared to face reality and make some sacrifices.

I choked, got my voice and told the man that I had had enough for one day and that Cam would call him to finalize cancelling the contract, watched Cam pay the inspector $140 for the aborted inspection and hustled him out the door. I was so angry I was shaking. I thought I was going to faint, my heart was beating so hard and fast. I wanted to do this guy personal harm. I wasn't sure if I wasn't about to have a stroke from trying not to peel the BM brown paint off the walls of the place with the sheer volume of invective that was ACHING to pop out of my mouth at high volume. I think the only thing that stopped me was that this jackass had to be made to cancel the contract BEFORE I gave him a verbal beatdown on par with the Rodney King thing for sheer viciousness. I shit you not, I had a pain in my chest, I was trying so hard.

By the time we were in the car, Cam was crying like a kid, going on about how he was never going to find us a nice place to live and how he just couldn't take this anymore. Once I was sure I wasn't going to pass out and could talk again, I reassured him that we would indded find a MUCH more suitable place, probably well within his 250K initial limit and most likely within a 30 minute commute to his work. I also told him that after this Shep bitch cancelled this contract that he'd rushed him into, that we were switching realtors, because there was no way that such an asshole should ever be rewarded for behaving the way that he had today. I found out that today's behavior was typical of how he'd been treating Cam, playing on his n00bness at property buying and his anxiety that he wouldn't be able to find a decent place for us.

The next time I encounter this guy, I will not be sick and sleep deprived and he's not going to enjoy it at all. Because I am going to give him his own medicine back with interest and I won't be taking any attitude or excuses. And if he even TRIES to bully Cam or play on his anxiety again where I can see it, I'll be writing a formal complaint and posting it publicly online, giving the man's full name, his business name and warning all prospective homeseekers away from doing any business with him. And I'll make sure it comes in high on search engines for Virginia Real Estate. I don't fuck around. And this guy went out of his way to earn my hate today. He's going to be a lucky man indeed if he walks away from the next meeting and doesn't end up weeping like a spousal abuse victim to his wife about the evil little goth chick that forced him to wear her boyfriend's shoes for a few minutes.

AAARRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111!!!!!

[Zephem]

The girlfriend is looking for a house as well. The benefit that she has is her uncle is a very wealthy broker, and pretty much has a number of realtors and loan consultants in his pocket.

Housing is definately a day-to-day affair, with them going up and being sold very quickly. The thing about it, though, is if you're not in a pressure to leave your current home immediately, there's no reason to rush and make a decision on where you now want to live.

I feel bad for Cam, and hope you feel better as well. You shouldn't need that inspector there so quickly unless you're planning on closing that deal, so hopefully you guys won't lose the money again.

Good luck on finding a good realtor. There are some out there, and there are a lot of cool people doing it. It's just, most of us find the jerkwads because they're the ones that are constantly pushing to get the sale and make sure it's easiest for you to find them.

[Maephina]

Wow Boo...that's insane!!!
My room mate and I were in the market as well. We are currently leasing a townhouse here in NVA and I know full well how some realitors behave as though they are selling you the Ark of the Covenant.
From sketchy realitors to even sketchier landlords, I've gotten an overdose of how the sharks in the realistate world patrol the waters.

All i can say is GOOD FOR YOU! And I would definetly be breaking my verbal foot off in Shep's ass if it were me.

[Boinky]

Wow 250 for a Condo. Sheesh that puts real estate values here more in a better perspective. Course they have been rising for awhile now here too. And the city I live near has been progressively been becoming more the county I live in, as most of it commutes into the city.

Anyway, good luck with the future endeavors to Condohood for you & Cam. That place sounds kinda like a small shithole so better off without it.

[Shikome]

I've just got a new house, took three different agents for me to find one who wasnt going to fuck us around, the first guy was a little-asian (indian i think) who seemed very pleasant (in that doesnt speak too much english way), but we had seen a house that was lovely and for a good price so we were willing to give it a go.
Two hours later and 14 houses later we escaped, we were only interested in one house but he literally dragged us around every house he could, all of the houses were disgusting, badly decorated, some damaged, damp, mold... name it they had it, but this guy was the sort of person who ignored points like that and went on about supposed good points of the property, which were utter bullshit in truth. The best one of that was "this house is equipped with cable.." which i worked out meant it had the capability for cable tv and broadband "... which is very good and new" so i asked him what company, telling him i used to work as an engineer for a cable tv company, also stated the name, which he picked up on and said it was them. It was wonderful to see the look on his face when i pointed out the company had gone bankrupt 2 years prior. Well we escaped him, eventually (after two days of his phonecalls)...
The second guy was alright, the house was just crap...

Third person, wonderful house, nice guy... Im sure you'll find somewhere though, like you said, its just a matter of looking good luck with finding somewhere though

[Highlander]

Aw... Helll.... Nooooo.......

Are realators going to become the next lawyers? that is just insane.....

[Darth Bootay]

Problem with real estate is that you're dealing with the big money version of used car salesmen. Some are very, very good, while others are unscrupulous jackasses. The sad thing is that a coworker-friend of Cam's recommended this chucklehead highly. Of course, when HE was looking to buy, he had less than a month to find himself and his wife a place to live before they were on the street. So for them, this guy's high-pressure, hurry-it-up, it-won't-be-there-tomorrow tactics was in line with their reality.

However, we HAVE time. We have the option to renew our lease in the place we currently live, and have the option to go monthly, 6 months, 9 months or yearly still. There is no emergency and we can afford to take our time to find a better home. The realtor is aware of this, yet still tried to push Cam into buying a place that would have been a decided downgrade on our current living space. And for this, among all the other offenses this man has done, I am deeply angry.

I understand reality. I know that a realtor's income depends on closing deals on properties -- the more expensive, the better. I know that the property market in Fairfax and Loudon counties are ridiculously high and move faster than many places in the nation. It's outrageous, but it's reality. People are paying the asking prices and allowing the market to continue to balloon by buying even the crappiest real estate. However, this does not mean that we have to settle on a property that is inferior to the one we now rent for a price that would mean that we'd have to live without luxuries.

Because reality is also that people ARE selling better properties in the 250-300K pricerange. We just have to find a realtor who will show us the homes we have an interest in and who will allow us a REASONABLE amount of time to decide if we actually wish to purchase. If one day to weigh our options is too much to ask, perhaps we're better off NOT buying. Personally, I think that we'd be better suited testing the market in the summer, when more people are looking to sell and less are looking to move. Spring, for some really wierd reason, is the time of year when the most people are looking to buy a house. Must be some bizarre human nesting instinct. Or maybe it's just that the weather is better.

But either way, I'm in no hurry until someone shows us a property that suits our actual day-to-day needs that is located where Cam doesn't have to drive more than half an hour to get to work and is priced in a range we can COMFORTABLY afford. People in my family's earning bracket cannot afford to make impulse buys on something like a piece of property. It's a serious financial commitment that we have to live with for decades. Points I personally will make with our next realtor before they so much as run a search on listings. Because I know better than most what the reality of the housing situation happens to be. And I will not allow some schiester to take advantage of us just because Cam is a first-time buyer.

[Aameul]

Problem with real estate is that you're dealing with the big money version of used car salesmen. Some are very, very good, while others are unscrupulous jackasses.

Nicely put. You really should get rid of this guy at your earliest convenience. When buying a home, you need to have a realtor you trust to help you out.

Fortunately/unfortunately, this will be me in about 6-12 months. Not really looking forward to the process much, but moving out will be nice.

[Schuyler]

*huggles boootay* I luv you!! *huggles*!!

[FoxyJama]

After reading all of that, the one thing I'm still hung up on is "250K for a CONDO?!" Here in College Station (not a small town, we have about 200,000 people and we're a short drive from Houston and Austin) a condo with at *least* 1,400 sq feet would never run you over 100k and that's in the ritziest part of town. We are a little more than a 30 minute commute, I'm sure, though. Mike and I are looking at buying a house in the next year or two, and we checked into some local realtors and found that there's several places we'd love in the 70-80k range in good family suburbs.

We just signed a lease on our new place, it's a bizarre floorplanned little duplex with a huge yard and 2 sliding glass doors into it. We don't move in until May, but we were hunting for this place for a few months before we found something we liked. One place we were shown by a realtor who tried to tell me that moving a king sized bed up the 3' wide and 4' deep switchback staircase wouldn't be a problem, not knowing that we have friends in the same complex who were unable to do so when they moved in. She tried to steer me away from asking questions about FLOOD DAMAGE to the place and I looked her in the eye and said "I'm not interested, goodbye." She got all snooty about it, saying it was scheduled for repairs, but flood damage is like an abusive marriage. They clean up real nice to go out, but the damage is always there waiting to happen. She continued to push and I told her I wasn't interested in seeing any of her other properties because I no longer wished to deal with a pushy management company, and that I had 2 months to find a place with a realtor that wasn't a bitch. I left her there gasping for something to say.

Wherever you are, whatever the property values of your area (however wince-worthy they are), there IS a place for you. Particularly if you're buying, don't allow yourself to get bullied into a place you hate. You'll thank yourself later for not settling.

And I'll be damned if I'd EVER EVER settle if I was paying 250k for a place.

(Out of curiosity, I did a search for houses in my area in the 250k range, and here's a few that came up:

http://www.century21.com/buy/property_d ... 72&bSite=N

http://www.century21.com/buy/property_d ... 56&bSite=N

http://www.century21.com/buy/property_d ... 86&bSite=N )

The great thing about living in College Station is that not only is our cost of living low, but I get paid 6k more a year than my friend in California that does the exact same job. I pay half of what she does in rent. I don't know why anybody *wouldn't* live here.

[Boinky]

I don't know why anybody *wouldn't* live here.

Well it is Texas right?

[Tacz]

I don't know why anybody *wouldn't* live here.

Well it is Texas right?

I'd rather live down there in the heart of Jesusland than up here in United States of Canada.