Jokes

[Dasubervixen]

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. “Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding- -a reason I’ve never before heard — I’ll let you go.”

The old gentleman paused then said: “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.

“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the trooper.

[Shigy]

lol

[Vallikat]

Following the death of Quasimodo, the Bishop of the Cathedral Church of Notre Dame sent word throughout the streets of Paris that a new bellringer would need to be appointed. The Bishop decided that he would himself conduct the interviews, and went up into the belfry to interview the candidates. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day, when an armless man approached him announcing that he was there to apply for the post. The Bishop declared,

" My Son, you have no arms!"

" No matter" replied the man.

He then proceeded to strike the bells with his face, producing the most beautiful melody on the carillon. The Bishop was astonished, believing he had indeed found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But in rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry to his death in the street below. The Bishop, stunned rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beauty of the music they had heard a moment before. As they parted in silence to allow the Bishop through, one in the crowd asked

" Bishop, who was this man?"

..wait for it...

wait for it.....

.." I don't know his name" replied the Bishop sadly,

" But his face rings a bell."

WAIT, WAIT! not through yet!

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart, the Bishop continued his interviews for a bell ringer. The first man to approach addressed him, "Your Grace, I am the brother of the poor armless man who fell to his death from this belfry yesterday. I pray that you will allow me to replace my brother." The Bishop agreed to an audition, but as the man reached to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, collapsed, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the cries of grief from the Bishop at the tragedy, rushed up the stairs......

"What has happened? Who is this man? " they cried.

" I don't know his name" exclaimed the distraught Bishop,.........

wait for it.......

wait for it.......

wait for it .........

" I don't know his name............but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

[Gimpeline]

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to
tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today,
and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly
horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife
has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her
red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something
was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy
could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough,
there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground!
By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him,
but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into
my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers.
Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell --
but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay.
I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge
and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly.
But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died
there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full,
and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment
building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony.
Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge.
But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me.
I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto
the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and
kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed
a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got
lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was
thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky
and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that
heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

[Shigy]

*chuckling out load*

[Shigy]

There was a knock on the door this morning. I opened it to find a young man standing there who said "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness". I said "Come in and sit down". I offered him coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?" He said "Buggered if I know... I've never got this far before".

[Gimpeline]

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.

Boy - "It's dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"

[Shigy]

hehe

[Shigy]

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs.

[SuperCat]

*facepalm*

[Shigy]

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director began the search for a replacement.

A retired Chief Petty Officer, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.

So they gave him a glass of wine to taste. The old Chief tried it and said "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable". "That's correct" said the boss. "Another glass, please!"

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results". "Absolutely correct. A third glass!"

''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk. The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.

The old Navy Chief tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father!"

[Kermie]

LOL

[Gimpeline]

John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office.
After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy.
John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group.
To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex.
He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised.
He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised.
John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised.
After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face.
John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said,
- Once a year! To John's dismay, he responds,
-Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year? The grinning guy responds, "Tonight's the night!"

[Shigy]

hahaha love it gimp

[Goobucket]

The last of his breed a door to door salesman does the neighborhood rounds selling cheap washing detergent, knocking on a door suprizingly a woman answers who is about to do her laundry.
He turns on the charm and thinks to himself "No more dog food for Joe tonight"

Good morning madam, I see your about to do laundry can I demonstrate the amazing new Cleer Blue Cheer, guarenteed to knock out any stain or smell.
The woman replies sure whatever so long as you wash something.
He cheerfully says that washing is part of the demonstration.

The salesman sets up a couple buckets with water and the washing trays so he can perform the demonstration.
He starts with the line "Clear Blue Cheer is so powerful that it can wash the oldest gym socks and leave them bursting with freshness." takes a really foul looking sock from the bottom of the pile and dunks it into the wash tub, giving the tagline as he works:

"Washy Washy Washy with the Clear Blue Cheer."
"Rinsey Rinsey Rinsey till it comes out clear."
Sakes a DEEP sniff of the wet sock holding it right against his nose saying:
"And waolla~ you have a sock as fresh as the morning dew."

He hands it to the lady and unsuprizingly she is a little impressed. Still she wants more laundry done for her and thinks about her sons sweatty greasey car shop shirt.

The salesman takes the shirt and performs the same routine:
"Washy Washy Washy with the Clear Blue Cheer."
"Rinsey Rinsey Rinsey till it comes out clear."
Sakes a DEEP sniff of the wet shirt holding it right against his nose saying:
"And waolla~ you have a t-shirt as crisp as a blossoming flower."

Again she is impressed, but not ready to buy and continues to give him troubled dirty laundry. To which he continues washing:
"Washy Washy Washy with the Clear Blue Cheer."
"Rinsey Rinsey Rinsey till it comes out clear."
Sakes a DEEP sniff of the wet pants holding them right against his nose saying:
"And waolla~ you have pants as clean as spring rain."

She continues pulling things out for him and he continues washing until...

Finally he grabs one more thing and says "Ok this should put your mind at ease, this product is so strong it can clean anything, but so gentle it can be used on the finest fabrics. It can even clean delicates with no problem."
The man takes panties and quickly dunks them in the washing tub before she has a chance to disagree or stop him.

He begins his washing
"Washy Washy Washy with the Clear Blue Cheer."
"Rinsey Rinsey Rinsey till it comes out clear."
Sakes a DEEP sniff of the wet panties holding them right against his nose
The mans eye twitches as he pauses for a second.

"Washy Washy Washy with the Clear Blue Cheer."

[Gimpeline]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, pissed off, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says, "I guess we answered that question!"

[Kriegshammer]

Took me some seconds but that image...!

[Shigy]

ACADEMIC TALK
The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone working on a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper anywhere!

"It has long been known" = I didn't look up the original reference.
"A definite trend is evident" = These data are practically meaningless.
"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions" = An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.
"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study" = The other results didn't make any sense.
"Typical results are shown" = This is the prettiest graph.
"These results will be in a subsequent report" = I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"In my experience" = once.
"In case after case" = twice.
"In a series of cases" = thrice.
"It is believed that" = I think.
"It is generally believed that" = A couple of others think so, too.
"Correct within an order of magnitude" = Wrong.
"According to statistical analysis" = Rumor has it.
"A statistically oriented projection of the significance of these findings" = A wild guess.
"A careful analysis of obtainable data" = Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of pop.
"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs"= I don't understand it.
"After additional study by my colleagues" = They don't understand it either.
"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions" = Mr Blotz did the work and Ms Adams explained to me what it meant.
"A highly significant area for exploratory study" = A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field" = I quit.

[Shigy]

A suspicious looking man is stopped at border control while driving a motorbike with a bag on the back.

The customs official at the border crossing asks the man to produce his identification, which he does, and it all checks out fine. He then asks "What's in the bag?" The man on the bike replies "Sand". Lo and behold, when the bag is checked, it just contains sand.

Having remembered the odd case of the man on a motorbike with a bag of sand, the guy at customs recognises the same suspicious man coming to the same border crossing twice a month for 6 months, always with a bag of sand, and always with the right identification.

After those 6 months, curiosity gets the better of the customs official, and the next time he sees the man on the bike he stops him for a chat.

"Listen mate" he says. "You've been coming here every 2 weeks for 6 months, always with a bag of sand that checks out. I can never find anything on you, but I'm convinced you are smuggling something across the border. If you tell me how you are getting away with it and I promise I won't arrest you, I'm just curious".

The man gives him a long stare, but eventually says slowly "Are you sure you won't arrest me?" The custom official swears to God that he will not tell a soul, and it's only to stop him wondering about it.

"Fine" the man says. "I HAVE been smuggling something over the border". "What is it?!" cries the customs official. The man replies "Motorcycles!

[Dasubervixen]

That one made my sides hurt Shigy.