Jokes

[Shigy]

My boss just asked "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends but I need you here". "Yeah no problem, I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends". "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?" "Monday".

[Shigy]

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying "Hey old man, can you dance?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to".

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody standing around was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but... I've always wanted to".

There are a few lessons for all of us here:

-Don't be arrogant.
-Don't waste ammunition.
-Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
-Always make sure you know who is in control.
-And finally, don't screw around with old folks. They didn't get old by being stupid.

[Dasubervixen]

A tourist traveling to Australia for the first time is going through customs.

"Do you have a criminal record?" Inquires the customs agent.

"I didn't know you still needed one." replies the tourist.

[Shigy]

hahaha

[Shigy]

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replies "My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man sleeping around with prostitutes, and lack of a bath!" The drunk muttered in response "Well, fuck me!" Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk answered "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

[Sunserro]

Some from my college days:

An optimist looks at a half-filled glass and says "The glass is half-full"
A pessimist looks at a half-filled glass and says "The Glass is half-empty"
An engineering student looks at a half-filled glass and says "A waste of resources. Why wasn't the glass made smaller?"

A mathematician, a philosopher and a programmer are being chased by a lion.
The mathematician thinks "The lions runspeed is 50mph. If I can run at 55 mph I'll be safe."
The philosopher thinks "The lions runspeed is 50mph, but the mathematicians real runspeed is 30. If I can run at 31 mph, I'll be safe."
The programmer thinks "F**k this s**t, where's the reload button?"

[Dasubervixen]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

[Farryis]

An engineering student looks at a half-filled glass and says "A waste of resources. Why wasn't the glass made smaller?"

Main difference between civil engineers and mechanical engineers?

Mechanical engineers build guns, civil engineers build targets.

[Gimpeline]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go way ! And let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"

[Shigy]

-I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
-When chemists die, they barium.
-Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
-How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
-I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
-This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
-I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
-I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
-They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
-PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.
-Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
-We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
-Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
-When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
-Broken pencils are pointless.
-I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
-What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
-England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
-I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
-I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
-I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
-Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
-Velcro, what a rip off!
-A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
-Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
-The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
-Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
-When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
-I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
-Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
-Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
-Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
-Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
-A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
-A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.
-Without geometry, life is pointless.
-When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.
-Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
-A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
-Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
-What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
-A backwards poet writes inverse.
-In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.
-With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
-He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
-Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
-Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.
-What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
-There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.
-The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"
-Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.
-Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.
-When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked "Are you two an item?"
-When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
-This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill."
-A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."
-A termite walks into a bar and says "Is the bar tender here?"
-Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Hey get out! We don't want your type in here!"

[Gimpeline]

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left
arm as if holding a baby.

Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s
mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding
pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm,
holding rear paws tightly with left hand.

Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right
forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
hold front and rear paws.

Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.

Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler
and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines
and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with
head just visible from below armpit.

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with
pencil and blow down drinking straw

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and
drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's
forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.

Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard,
and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last
tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.
Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new
one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the
tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into
fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little
*&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by
large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically
and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and
forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call
furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call
local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.



How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

3. All done!

[Shigy]

lol Gimp and people wonder why I'm a dog person.

[Vallikat]

That was a good one. Had to send it to my co-worker who has 2 cats.

[Jezebelle]

I've seen the cat pills one before, but I always read the whole thing anyway. These are the reasons I always ask the vet for cat medicine in liquid forms, even if I have to inject it.

And Shigy. Wow. That's worse than Sprkly's "Dumb Jokes" song. In fact, I think several of the same ones are in there.

[Nicodar]

And Shigy. Wow. That's worse than Sprkly's "Dumb Jokes" song. In fact, I think several of the same ones are in there.

But this song is totally awesome!

[Shigy]

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

[Gimpeline]

Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway. Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male.

[Shigy]

Trolling picture.

[Shigy]

I was driving home from the pub last night, more than a little worse for wear and I was having difficulty keeping the car in a straight line. As expected, it wasn't too long before I was pulled over.
I wound the window down to an angry looking copper.

"Good evening, sir" he begun. "Have we been drinking tonight?" "Well I can't speak for you" I replied "But I've been knocking them back all night".

"And just how much have you had, then?" he asked. "Well I've had nine lagers, two Guinness, about a bottle of vodka and a couple of scotch's" I told him.

"I see" said the copper. "And would you mind taking a breathalyser test?" "Why?" I said "Don't you fucking believe me?"

[Shigy]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends".