Feel free to add with any jokes you come across. Warning: This thread may contain adult material, so if you're under age go Google naughty jokes instead. I'll start with the jokes used in a contest run today at my show:
Dasfrooty: A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!" "Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!" The manager opens his dictionary and reads: "Panda: a tree-dwelling mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
Neoagent: On a pirate ship, the lad in the crows nest shouted "CAPTAIN! 1 ENEMY SHIP APPROACHES!" The captain calmly looked at the lad and said "Bring me my red shirt." They won the battle. The lad asks the captain why he asked for his red shirt "Well lad, so that if I'm shot it won't demoralize the crew of course!" The next day, the lad in the crows nest shouted "CAPTAIN! 10 ENEMY SHIPS APPROACH!" The captain cocked his head and said "Bring me my brown pants.."
Firenflames: After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no!!!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. "That's me before the surgery."
Sneakpastu: Q:What is innocent and wears a thong?
A: A Solitus....because NM's want to be Opi and everyone knows an Opi is naughty.
Neoagent: "Innocent + Sneakpastu in one sentence would be like the ghostbusters crossing lines"
Gimpeline: A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
Gimpeline: Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" Exclaimed Daisy.
Gimpeline: I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
Kyrros: A priest approached a boy standing on the edge of a cliff and asked the boy "Why are you here, my child?" The boy replied "My father, mother and sister died in a car accident. Nothing else can go wrong today, so I'm jumping off." The priest replied "I wouldn't be too hasty, it could always be worse" as he unbuttoned his robe.
