Doh! ((A Technical Support Story))

[Innari]

So I'm sitting in my cubicle, being a good cubicle monkey. Pretty dull day.

About 7pm, an hour before we shut down for the night...I get a phone call. ((Really, I do take calls sometimes...))

Me: Thank you for calling [insert company name here] Technical Support, my name is Danielle. How can I help you?

Customer: I got a new computer.

Me: Glad to hear it.

Customer: I got a cord to hook my old computer to my new computer so I can transfer the data from one computer to the other.

Me: **face palms...already know where this is going** Ok...

Customer: They call it an ether cord or something...

Me: Right...

Customer: So, can you help me?

Me: How is your network set up Sir?

Customer: I don't have a network.

Me: *on mute* Yeah, knew that was coming. *off mute* So you just plugged one end of that cord into one computer, and the other end into the second computer?

Customer: Yes.

Me: *giving the customer the benefit of the doubt* Do you have a My Network Places Icon on your desktop?

Customer: I have a Network Neighborhood picture...

Me: Ok...*sigh*...double click it.

Customer: Ok, it says Entire Network.

Me: Double-click that. *pause* Do you see your new computer listed there?

**here it comes**

Customer: Yeah, I see my new computer.

Me: On the old computer's screen?

Customer: Well, I see both of my computers sitting in front of me here

Me: *groan and face palm* I mean...is there a picture of a little computer...on your old computer's screen...with the name of your new computer on it?

Customer: No, it says it can't connect to the network.

Me: I can't help you. You need to have a tech come in to your office and set up a network ((on mute)) or your 6 year old grandson, bet he could do it too.

Customer: I don't want a network.

Me: If you don't have a CD Burner or a Zip Drive Sir, your computers need to be networked to transfer files.

Customer: But I don't want a network.

Me: ((on mute)) YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT AN &%$(# NETWORK IS!!!!! ((to customer, politely)) Then I suggest purchasing a CD Burner you can attach to your old computer to write the files to disk.

Customer: I don't understand.

((surprised? No...I didn't think so))

Me: Ask your computer tech to transfer the files from your old computer to your new computer. He'll know what to do.

Customer: Ok.

Me: Thank you and have a nice day.



****

I seriously...didn't think...I would ever get a call like that. "Do you see the new computer listed on the old computer?" ... "I see them both sitting in front of me if that's what you mean."

Doh!

[Joshuwa]

looks like we both had to deal with dolts today

[Innari]

You mean like the phone call I got one minute before closing?!

Customer: I'd like you to pay for the shipping for me to send the product back to you.

Me: I'm afraid we can't do that sir.

Customer: Why not?

Me: It's Standard Operating Procedure I'm afraid, It is a Company Policy.

Customer: You can change that though right?

...There are no words for morons...

[Joshuwa]

Something like that. Cept I'm still dealing with the moron on my shoulder.

[Maar]

I feel the pain.

a few years back, I worked for a company providing technical support for their small business banking software. This was during the middle of the Y2K scare in mid-late `99. I got calls (plural) that rivaled that everyday for over a year while I worked there. the last 3 months of that job were spent slacking off to see exactly how far I could go before getting fired.

to this day, I still can not answer a phone without cringing.

get this book, http://www.thinkgeek.com/books/humor/5c9b/ treat it as your new bible.

a sample:

It's a thursday, and I'm in a good mood. It's payday. I think I'll take some calls. I put the phone back on the hook. It rings.

"I've been trying to get you for hours!" the voice at the other end screams

"Not, it can't be hours" I say, putting "Blade Runner" back into it's cover and looking at the back, "it was more like 114 minutes. I was on a long phone call with the big boss, trying to get you users some better facilities"

Hook; Line; and Sinker...

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"That's ok, I'm a tolerant person" I make a mental note to change his password to something nasty in the next couple of days.

"Um, I need to know how to rename a file" he says.

Oh dear... Hang on, it's payday isn't it?! I'm in a good mood.

"Sure. You just go 'rm' and the filename"

"Thanks"

"No worries" (Now I'm in a *REALLY* good mood. I think I just might write that script to make saving impossible on rogue at random times like I've been thinking about)

The phone rings again.

"Hello?"

"Hi there" I say

"Is this the Operators?"

"Yes it is" I say, nice as pie

"Could you get my printouts out please. I need them urgently, and I printed them over 5 minutes ago"

"Your username?" I ask

He gives it to me, and I write it down for later. "No worries at all!" I say, and head to the printers.

There's a HUUUUUUUGE pile of printouts there, and sure enough, his is at the top of the pile. I pick it up, split it out of the rest and pour our ink- stained cleaning alcohol all over it, run it over a couple of times with the loaded tape trolley then slam it in the tape safe door some times as well.

Beautiful.

"Here's your printout" I say "Sorry about the delay, we've got a few printer problems."

He takes a look and shits himself.

"Well, can I print it again?" he asks, worried

"Sure you can" I say "But no promises, the printer's a bit stuffed today"

"Well can I print it on laser - is that working?"

"Yeah of course, but that'll cost you" I say, oozing compassion for the geek

"It doesn't matter about the cost, THIS IS URGENT!"

I slide-on back into the printer room and put in the toner cartridge we save for special occasions - the one that prints thick black lines down the middle of the page and is all faint on one side. It took me quite a while to make it like that too. The printout shoots through and I bring it out immediately - I don't want to miss this!

"W-w-what's happened to my printout?" the geek squeals at me. Lucky I wrote that username down - I'm really starting to develop a taste for torture.

"Well nothing. I mean sure, it's a little soiled, but that cartridge has already done 47 thousand pages and been refilled 17 times. It's quite good compared to some we get"

Geek pays up and starts blubbing.

"Hey now. There's no reason to cry! Have you got a disk with your work on it?"

He gives me a box of diskettes and I step inside and buzz them thru the bulk eraser. I come back out again.

"Sorry, I just remembered, our machine is on the fritz, you'll have to take these to the other side of campus to the machine there, it'll print them ok, and it had a brand-new toner yesterday."

"GREAT!"

"No worries. Oh, and hold the disks above your head the whole way there, the earth's magnetic field is particularly strong today."

"Huh?"

"No arguements, just do it."

He wanders off, hand held high. Shit, I hate myself sometimes!

[Joshuwa]

I'm trying to figure out if you really did that, or if your just a really good story teller.

At any rate, that was really funny to read

[Innari]

I'm trying to figure out if you really did that, or if your just a really good story teller.

At any rate, that was really funny to read

I think he meant it as a sample from the book he cited

[Gridfan]

I really wish there was a knowledge level indicator possible.

The times I call tech support (very few thankfully, my ISP is so stable/fast/cheap it's creepy heh)
it's always a hurdle the first minute for me and the tech to gauge each others
level of capabilities.

Like a few years ago wen I had cable from a different company.
(hugs his ADSL box)
My line was flaky, calling tech was always amusing.
The first minute went by like:

Tech: So have you checked...
Me: Yep, and the next two three things your gonna ask too.

Tech:....are the lights blinking on the...
Me: Yes, and I've already done a tracert and it dies before it hits the first routing point in your network even.

(a bit more back and forth thing, presumably I was being walked through the "list" heh)

Me: ok ok, listen, could you do me a favour?
Tech: um...
Me: This only started happening the other day, could you check if my modem was moved over to a different bridge recently?

Tech: Em. one minute.
(a few min later)
Tech: You there?
Me: Yep
Tech: Well it does seem you where moved to a different bridge.
Me: Ah, that explains the issues. Could you move me back to the old bridge or a different one?
Tech: ...sure..yeah I can do that, might take a lil while though.
Me: no problem...
Tech: Anything else?
Me: Nah, thats it!
Tech: Bye
Me: bye


(Note! A Bridge at least as far as cable modems go, is a junction point,
normally there is X amount of people spread across x amount of bridges.
But sometimes a bridge gets too many people on it,
and an entire neighbourhood or more may end up with too little bandwidth.
(cable modems share area bandwidth to a certain extent)
The most typical issue is when many high bandwidth users (file sharers for example) end up on the same bridge,
rather than spread across multiple bridges with lower bandwidth users,
although in recent years cable companies may have improved the load balancing system (by i.e actualy adding a system that is))

But as I said at the start,
I so wish there was a level of knowledge indicator or similar.
So when I call tech, it would show on their display.

Me for example...
"Info: This user has lots of technical knowledge, will give straight tech facts, and also expects tech facts. Straight to the point, most tech issues he has are actualy real tech issues with the network! PS! He's also got weird humor... -Dani"

*grin*

Wouldn't that be so much easier?

The guy Dani posted about...
"Info: This guy is dumb as a bread, if he even has a cd-rom it's probably used as his cup holder! -Dani"

*laughs*

[Innari]

Me for example...
"Info: This user has lots of technical knowledge, will give straight tech facts, and also expects tech facts. Straight to the point, most tech issues he has are actualy real tech issues with the network! PS! He's also got weird humor... -Dani"

*grin*

Wouldn't that be so much easier?

The guy Dani posted about...
"Info: This guy is dumb as a bread, if he even has a cd-rom it's probably used as his cup holder! -Dani"

*laughs*

Strange sense of humor? Grid...I think you are underestimating yourself there I think I might call it bizarre and perverted. *runs and hides*

And yes, the myth about CD-Rom cup holders is true. I've seen it. *groans*

[Jugsmalone]

well I certainly hope no one would be so cruel and heartless... I agree that todays Youth know a lot more about technoledgy than we older people do unless we were sitefullenough to learn it as it came into play...As for someone who didnt learn it and is extreamly clueless but freeks out when she cant log into GSP or AO for some unknown reson to her I feel sorry for a person with a problem they cannot solve and has to annoy someone who finds them an object to toy with... I do agree thier are those anoying users out thier that think they know every thing but in actuality know as little as I do....but those of us that do not pre tend to be PC experts and hate to bother those of you that do know how to fix our problems I beg of you to not purposely F... K with our tiny brains any more than nessecary... Thank you

[Maar]

awww Juggs. techies don't hate everyone. we just really LOVE a good story, consider them modern versions of Tall Tales.

although, there really ARE some people that deserve the worst possible situation imaginable. if you're willing to admit, right off the bat, that you are not a technical person and you are willing to not only listen, but pay attention to a tech on the phone, any tech will walk though a fix in the most efficient and pleasant way they (not all techs are created equal) are capable.

it's the callers/clients that lie, misinform, refuse to follow instructions, make things up, interrupt, speak without thinking, or become impatient/rude that get the bad service. when you spend 8 hours a day on the phone everysingle day, you tend to pick up on people's tone of voice. and NOONE calls support when everything is going well. that means that for 8 hours a day, most phone techs are dealing with people who have immediate problems, they are stressed, they are in a hurry, and they are not focused on supplying techs with the information that they need. it tends to wear down on `ya after a while.

as I said in my earlier post, several years after I got off the phones at that company, I STILL can not answer the phone without cringing. I don't even own a cell phone because I can't stand the thought of being tied to one.


remember, most good humor is based off of an exaggeration, in one form or another. usually it's based off of situations; and the creative, clever, and outrageous soloutions.


as for the story, yes it was an excerpt from the book (that's why it's in a Quote box) I still reccommend that series of books to anyone who has worked support or operations. looking that up, I saw that they publised a 4th volume, now I've got some new reading material coming, and I'm in an excellent mood.


I need to stop rambling when I post...