GridStream Productions

Sometimes I turn my computer on in the morning to make sure the world is still there. It depends. Some mornings it is, and some... Well, I'm still not sure. I'm not sure what it is.

I'm not sure where I am.

I'm not sure what face to put on today, in a vain attempt to hide what seethes beneath my skin, parasitically drawing my energies into the dark void which has consumed my heart and mind.

Sometimes, I feel better than other times.

Every "day"; the sun jolts pathetically into frame as if forced by unseen hands onto some broken down, if not entirely unwilling, overhead projector. And so it happens again, it seems. To run the gauntlet without any concern of the outside. To drop down the same sad, tired pitfalls time and time again, only to find the walls are paper thin, and made of cheap nylon. Easily torn, easily broken. Much like the bonds that tie us, at a distance, to others. Much like we convince ourselves that we are in love. The truth is that love is an inconsistancy in a supposedly consistant world. Nine times out of ten, love is the cause of all problems. The math works out. The math always seems to work out. Eight out of ten people know that.

Whether it be loss of it, lack of it, or problems with it, this is simply one of the undeniable truths that are to be faced in life. This is one. Another is yourself.

Indeed, you will one day realize that you are not all you're cracked up to be. If you already have, consider your self lucky. One less ditch on a road filled with cracks. One less battle to fight and lose. Plenty more of those. So don't worry about it.

In my happiest of dreams, I am missing. Such was not a gradual change, nor a dramatic, exaggerated, Hollywoodized climactic event, but rather an instant change; the fufillment of a wish held by many, and admitted by none.

I have told myself that when I vanish today, I will be missed.

I have told myself I have contributed in some way.

I have told myself that I am in love, and forever thinking of you.

I am great at telling myself things. We all are, it seems, we all are.

This seems like something negative, until you realize that our lies about ourselves are all we can truly ever have, are the only true constant in our lives. Everything dies. Things such as this just take a little longer to live.

Dissappearing from collective existence does not hurt, as would be expected. No more than a broken heart, anyway. No more than watching the hazy golden orange fade into nothing across the frozen expanse , that for all intensive purposes, is the wasteland of your heart, too caked with frost and good intentions for the heat of one last summer to warm it.

One last summer, my love.... Just one last summer.

Some mornings, you have to wake up and carry with you the painful existance of all the yesterdays that you know were never meant to be.

There comes a time when the demons of all those yesterdays catches up with you.

I look out my window, some mornings, to make sure the world is really there.

It never is though.

It just never is.

Signing off,
Ungoliant

Ungoliant wrote:This seems like something negative, until you realize that our lies about ourselves are all we can truly ever have, are the only true constant in our lives.

I'm not entirely sure what spurned this bucket of melodramatic poetry. Nor do I think I care much, really.

But you are very wrong on the above. Whether or not you meant it, wrote it, or borrowed it.

Everything does die.

However, living a lie is the easy way out because you can't or don't want to handle the truth, not because that's all you have. That's all you want.

Sorry, we don't all live that way.

Ciao.

Somebody needs to go out for a beer with some buddies and chill out, I think.

However paper thin the world may seem at times, it's all we've got, and there's no reason not to enjoy what short time we do have here as much as we can. People write volumes and volumes about the substance of love and existence and it's really all bullshit. The best thing we can do is go out, experience what we can, find a few folks along the way to share those experiences with before we die, and leave our legacy with a few people whose lives we have touched.

Don't look out your window, or into your computer, to see if the world is still there. GO OUT THERE and FIND OUT.

I think it's more along the lines of goto a doc and find out why he's a pathological liar... But...

Jairyn wrote:I think it's more along the lines of goto a doc and find out why he's a pathological liar... But...

Couldn't hurt

... At least you don't have diarrhea.

Draynam wrote:... At least you don't have diarrhea.

ROFL

Well if that don't beat all.

Now bear in mind that I'm not going to defend Ungoliant, because I like liars as much as I like people so starved for attention they'll screw over a friend or just plain screw anything to get it. In the end it's all not just behavior that hurts other people, it hurts the one doing it too.

However, I think it's pretty wierd that so many of us will condemn Ungoliant, who is obviously just starving for attention any way he can get it when the same so many would condone and has forgiven or even encouraged similar bids for attention out of people who post cute young female pix or play the "hey mister! I'm a hawt nekkid opichick desperate for your pixillated love!" game. Really, it's not all that different and it all stems from the same, sad, pathetic roots: someone needs to feel big and loved because they're small and lonely and doesn't have the sense to fill that need in more real and less self-damaging ways.

Oh no, I'm not going to defend Ungoliant. Just like I won't defend anyone else whose behavior I find both sad and repellant. I'm just going to remind you to think about it before you start making your comments. And I'm going to suggest you simply lock or delete this thread to save us all the chagrin of looking back on words poorly said and worse considered.

And for Ungoliant: I can't say I'm not disappointed, as that would make me what I despise. I know your world doesn't look much like anything you want to live in right now. Nothing stings quite like the consequences of our actions when they catch up with us. But to be honest, it's never too late to make an HONEST go at life and to start the REAL hunt for those things that matter most and that make life so much worth living.

Everyone finds themselves, sooner or later, in a place where everything seems hopeless and where there is no one to save you but yourself. Some people spend more time there than others. But everyone ends up there for at least a little while...and most people spend more time thinking they're there than they actually spend there. Mostly because we're all freaking spoiled and we're taught the overwhelming granddaddy of lies, that it's all about us, from birth. But it's not all about us. Not usually. And when it is, it's usually because we made it that way but in a very negative and uncomfortable way that we never actually wanted.

In short, everyone is lonely, everyone thinks that no one understands and everyone has a less-than-perfect life. It's not worth hurting someone else over and it's not worth hurting yourself over. Get over it, accept that it's never going to be like in the movies, walk outside your door and be grateful for the life you have been given.

SaintBootay wrote:I'm just going to remind you to think about it before you start making your comments.

Did that.

At this point - he's gotten what he deserves. The thread will be locked when and if it needs to be locked. That being when things get out of hand.

... or just plain screw anything to get it

I'll screw anything... What's so wrong about that?! lol

j/k

At least when you enter a room, people don't moo at you.

And not because you look like a cow or anything. Sniff.

I'm just going to remind you to think about it before you start making your comments. And I'm going to suggest you simply lock or delete this thread to save us all the chagrin of looking back on words poorly said and worse considered.

yeah, i thought too before i commented, but i think some of the reactions here are out of hurt, since actually BELIEVING someone else's lie makes you feel really stupid when you find out the truth. I felt really stupid.

Ah well, we all learn one way or another, both sides even.

*huggles Ungoliant* Keep your head up and just live! ^^ Thats all I'm going to say.